Apocolyptic Beginning
by ludwigsgirl97
Summary: Castiel x Reader. AU. Short but frequent chapters. When you get picked up by a band of survivors, you can't say you enjoy you little sister crushing on the fearless leader, but the suspiciously knowledgeable drug addict may have more depth than you thought... rating for drug use, cursing and future sexy times.
1. Chapter 1

The summer sun was high in the sky, too blue for the dark world you found yourself a part didn't have time to wipe the blood from your face as the croats closed in, and it dried into a macabre mask of surviving; if you let even one go after all, your little sister Mary was as good as dead, and that was something you refused to allow.. She was made for the days when women were taken care of; coddled even, but ceartainly not the post apocolyptic world you lived in now. She could sew and cook and read and write, but she had the spacial sense of an infant and about the same stomach for violence. She tried, but it was doomed to fail, which was why, for her good ad yours, you sent her away when clearing areas out. You would send her to a small shop you had already cleared, fire your gun, a small pistol into the air, toss it to her, and take out whatever came at you.

This is what you were doing as sweat poured from your brow. A few awkward contortions had left your body tired and battered, but there was nothing to do but keep fighting, the machete you had been using since this whole mess started swinging around you as quickly and gracefully as your sprained ankle and protesting muscles would allow. Willpower allowed you to ignore most of the pain, but the bloody acrobatics that you often resorted to, in spite of their toll on your energy, were out of the question lest you collapse and end up leaving both you and Mary open for death.  
"Get the hell off me!" You shouted, kicking it away and wincing as you further damaged you half-lame ankle. Mary, for her part, stayed put, just as you had told her to. She had been an arts student when this started three years ago, 19, and ready for the world to start. She had tried once, and only once, to help you in battle, and that had resulted in horror for everyone involved.

_You were at __your Uncle John's __ hunting cabin, doing fine away from populated cities, __the safest place to be when a virus spread mostly by human contact was effectively,__ when a group of three found their way to you. __They must have wandered around looking for some easier prey tha could be found in the crowded cities, where competition left food scarce. __By the time you came home f__rom finding your own family's dinner, a deer that you had shot while John prepared the one you'd bagged the day before for smoking and saving to prevent you all starving to death over the winter, t__hey were there, and your mother was dead, your father dying, and Mary wide eyed behind him. __You hadn't re-loaded your gun, a stupid move that had cost you so dearly, but Mary tried fighting them off with a kitchen knife to save a man who was already as good as in the ground. Luckily, your uncle had come in by this point to see what was going on, and had his gun ready. _

_He fired, the one about to bite Mary for the stab to the shoulder she had given him falling to the ground as it's heart stopped. You fumbled with bullets, nerves leaving your hands shaking as they never had before, and never would again._

_"Mary, run!" He ordered, clicking the gun into readiness and aiming once more. She heard him, but didn't listen, instead still trying to grab you father, who was bleeding everywhere as though he weren't already done for. Your attention was focused on her, and your fingers dropped the bullet. One of them dug into his shoulder as he shoved her toward the door before firing once more. He had chosen to sacrifice himself so as not to risk the blood getting in her open, screaming mouth, you were you had responded quickly, you would have been able to save him. You could have shot the thing before it got close to Mary, and become a risk. You had seen the thing after all, and if she had listened, he wouldn't have been trying to save her and forgoing his own safety to do so. If you were both better, closer to the people you were now, then you would still have your uncle beside you, and helping you to care of Mary._

When your leg finally gave, sending you t othe pavement, still slashing at the legs of anything you could see, there were still way too many around you, and you were accepting defeat, praying to the God you had given up on that Mary was a better shot than you thought she was, when the sound of machine gun fire rang out, sending panic running anew. They may have saved you, true, but people with big guns were rarely benevolent. You didn't make It this far through your kindess to strangers, and suspicion was the best way to not get dead.


	2. Chapter 2

Two groups of people had guns with the power to turn your immenant death into a gory mess on the floor of the shambled city; military, and successful survivors. Military boys had a habbit of either killing the humans right along with the croats they were paid to shoot, or taking what looked pretty and leaving them broken for a rover or croat to do it for had tanks and gangs, and if you fought them, they'd kill you and find Mary, which bad a snowball's chance in Hell of working out while you breathed. The survivors had at least a small chance of just having been in the area and deciding to help, and they could usually be bribed into leaving you alone. So as you ran into the abandoned building across from where your sister sat, you prayed to a god you didn't believe in that it was the latter, and your bags of chapstick and deer jerky would be enough to make them keep on going and never know the 21 year old you cared for existed. You heard the tires of a large truck stop, but hadn't looked to seen who or how many were inside before you booked it. Your heart was like a hummingbird trying to escape your rib cage as brief moments that felt like eons ticked by, until a voice called out, deep and commanding:  
"Come in out, lady!" He shouted, the rough voice obviously male.  
"What do you want? I have guns and I know now to use them!" You replied, fighting fear that rose unbidden in your throat, making words meant to have been strong crack.  
"No, you have a broken ankle and a machete." He monotoned. Well fuck. So much for bluffing your way out of this.  
"What he means is hi, we won't rape and/or murder you, so you can come out." This voice was deep as well, but not to the same extent, and it was slurred. Great, the nice guy was high as a kite, and trying to convince the one whole sounded like the leader not to killed you.  
"Well...when you put it like that..." you hardly bad a choice as you staunched your limp as best you could and walked out to find a truck with four people in it. One was a blonde, standing in a green jacket with a assault rifle in his hand and an inhuman steel in his eyes. Next to him was a dark haired man in similar attire, but with cobalt eyes paradoxically sharp with intellect and glazed with the dullness brought on by intoxication. A pistol rested in his lap a he offered you a lazy smie. The third was a woman whole looked nearly as scary as the tactless leader, pistol to match the killing look in her amber eyes. Finally was the driver, who you couldn't make out, but they had to be there. "I don't suppose you could just forget about me and keep moving?" You asked, locking your gaze to the green-eyed leader's.  
"Well, you're injured and someone who depends in you is in that building over there. If you want to die and leave them for dead, sure. Otherwise, I'm Dean, and you have afternoon watch."  
Fuck. 


	3. Chapter 3

"Mary, come on out," you called, still not taking your eyes from Deans. She walked out with so much blind trust you wanted to hug her and then smack her. Just because you said it was fine didn't mean that she didn't have to watch her back.  
"Who are these people, Sis?" She asked, brown eyes looking up a you with fearless naïtivity. "Apparently Dean and his gang of benevolent survivors. Not that we have much choice if they want us to come with them, machine guns and all." You told her,taking the duffel of your things from her. Inside was two sets of clothing, various toiletries and a book of plants you read as religiously as Mary did the bible which took it's place in her otherwise nearly identical bag.  
"This is Cas, Risa, and Rodereich. We were on our way back from a small raid when were came across you two." Dean explained.  
"Hello, Dean. It's a pleasure meeting you." Mary said, extedin her hand up to the man in the truck, followed by him hauling her up and her greeting each of them in turn. With great reluctance, and a wound to your already battered pride, you allowed Dean to haul you up as well. You scowled when he winked at you and took the only available space that wasn't next to him, which was beside the stoner.  
"So then, Cas, I gotta wonder how one supports a habit in a world like this." You said, raising a brow in curiosity.  
"Millions of people took pain pills every day. They're easier to fine than candy, and work better, too." He answered, shrugging and pulling a yellow bottle from his pocket and shaking it, "Want some?"  
"No, I'm good." You answered, shooting him a looking that said offering Mary drugs would end badly for him.  
"My turn to ask a question then: Have you two been staying in the city?"  
"We stayed in out uncle's hunting cabin in the woods since he..." you looked at your sister, knowin now she hated discussion of death, "We only came to the city for supplies. Mary's inahlers, mostly. But one ran never have to much booze and chapstick." "You don't seen like the type to drink in the job, and surviving is a 24/7 shift out here."  
"I don't, but trading is always a potentiality, and bribing rovers goes better with whiskey."  
"Dean, I like this girl." Cas declared, "She reminds me of past you, before you took my ass stick."  
"So what's her name then?" Dean raised a brow at you in apparent distrust, and yet there was an ounce of kinship in his voice.  
You told him, and he nodded, seemingly satisfied. Then Cas looked to Mary and asked a question that set you more in gaurd than Uncle's death.  
"Do you believe in angels, Mary" she perked up, always in to share her religion with anyone who would listen.  
"Even thought Sis gets mad at me for it, I do." She said, and the drug addict looked at you and 'tsked'.  
You couldn't help but remember the last person who had asked you nearly that same question, and grow on edge.

You were in the city that time as well, carefully scanning the streets for the stumbling forms of croats, but still to inexperienced to look up, under the impression that humans were all in this together and wouldn't attack you. You had been wrong, and three men jumped from a second story window to land with guns aimed all around you, cutting you off from then unarmed Mary. "What's a couple of cuties like you two doin' all alone, hm?" One asked, tall, muscular, and with greedy brown eyes.  
"Killing anything we come across of course." You replied, keeping your cool to near perfection.  
"Well, too bad you didn't see us, hon." He remarked, one of the others coming up to grab you around the waist, including arms now pinned to your wide. "Sis!" Mary screamed, aiming to run after you.  
"Run, Mary! Dont come back! I'll find you, understand?" You growled, biting the bicep of the shaggy-haired thug holding you, kicking him in the crotch for good measure as he dropped you. A bullet from the third grazed your shoulder, but when you grabbed the rifle strapped to your back, you were dead on. Blood spattered, and he dropped to the pavement, unmoving.  
"That's enough of that, girlie. Hate to have to blast off this pretty face." When you looked back, the first was standing with his assault rifle to Mary's head. Your heart sank, and you immediatly dropped your gun and fell to your knees with hands in the air.  
"Do what you want with me, but leave her alone. She's just a kid." Your voice grew desperate, but you couldn't stop it. She bad always been your weakness.  
"Oh, you're gonna get yours, you fucking whore." The man you kicked snarled, hate dripping from every syllable.  
"One moment, Quinten. I have a question for you, little lady." He said,smacking Mary unconcious with a swift blow to the neck. You cringed at the crack of her skull as she fell.  
"What do you want to let my baby sister go?" You asked, now pleading while years ran down your face.  
"Do you believe in God?" He inquired, and you thought for a moment.  
"I do." If he was a religious quack, it could save you, and if it was just asked to let you marinate in fear, neither would help.  
"Then pray, so I can watch him let you down." He spat, glowing with sadistic joy. You didn't have much choice, and it could but time for Mary to wake up and run, if by some miracle she grew the balls and the brains. You lived her more than anything, but she was anew idiot sometimes.  
"God, please, if you care at all, save Mary. She's done everything a good Christian does, even drags me into the church she built on Sundays. You can drag me down to Hell, but don't taken her." You said, hoping that you bad been wrong all those years, and he was actually listening, and opened your eyes to stare into the barrel of the gun about to fire.  
There was the sound of wings, and a flash of light. When the dots fell away from your vision, you were back in your cabin, and Mary was sleeping quietly beside you unharmed.  
You would have thought it a dream save the man in a trenchcoat in front of you, lazer stare somehow inhuman.  
"Who the Hell are you?" You demanded, putting a hand over the sleeping teen beside you.  
"My name is Castiel. I am an angel of the Lord." 


	4. Chapter 4

"Who the hell are you? First you pull a magic trick and say you're an angel, and now you show up again as an amphetamine addict. Are you stalking us or something?" You stood, but nearly fell from the pickup in doing so.  
"Is it so hard to believe that maybe I really am an angel, or was, rather, and answered your selfless prayer by poofing you home?" He asked, as if he was requesting you accept the dog ate his math homework.  
"Yes." You deadpanned, frowning at him.  
"Dean, tell her!" Cas said, pouting like a petulant child.  
"Because telling her we hunted demons together and my baby brother got posessed by the devil so every angel left but you is obviously going to make her believe it." Dean scathed, rolling his eyes.  
"I believe you, Cas, if it's any consolation." Mary said, smiling at him. You both frowned when he started laughing, a cold, dead sound.  
"I know you aren't laughing at her when you just claimed to be an angel, and offered me drugs in the same five minute timespan." You gave the most threatening look you could muster, which was more than adiquate, and watched him think of how to word his answer, which would have no doubt been much smoother had he been sober, rather than drugged into the mind of a fourteen year old, and not an inherently smart one, either.  
"It's just refreshing to see someone so pure in a world like this. She's not nearly as bitchy as you are."  
"This is why you aren't allowed to negotiate, Cas." Risa added, having been silent thus far but unable to remain so as her agressive expression contorted into laughter, even snorting as she inhaled. You almost laughed with her, until you remembered you were pissed.  
"I wouldn suggest sleeping while I'm on guard; a stray croat may find it's way into your bed." You hissed.  
"Sis, be nice! Even if he were a stalker, he's either an angel, or a really good magician, and he's saved used twice." Mary scolded, which was quite the switch from her normal submissive nature. It was a shock to actually have her standing up to you.  
"Come on, how any times have I saved us? Why take his side?" You protested, a knife twisting in your heart at the thought of previously mentioned trust being imagined. Yes, it was stupid, but protecting her had become all consuming in your life, and if she relied on them do that more than you, what point was there in struggling?  
"It doesn't have to been a side! I'm just saying that w should maybe be more grateful, considering."  
You only nodded and mumbled an apology before falling silent for the rest of the ride to the camp. You tried your best to ignore Dean's sympathetic looks as you bounced in the now tangably akward truckbed. 


	5. Chapter 5

When you arrived at the camp, Mary had fallen asleep, her head drooping onto your shoulder. You were pondering carrying her along with both bags when Cas grabbed the duffels without question, non-chalance immenating from his lax form a he hopped from the truck, holdin his new burden with ease.  
You covered a smile with a frown, and spat a thank you, before following him to your new home.  
"I figured you'd want to share with Mary, if you're anything like Dean was with Sam."  
"I won't let Mary been posessed by fucking Satan, so no, I'm not like Dean." You growled. Obviously something had gone wrong. Dean had failed somehow, and you wouldn't, couldn't. Not with Mary.  
"I really suggest taking that back. Dean has been my best friend for six years, and he literally went through Hell to save Sam. Don't suggest for a moment that he didn't love his brother. If he could have saved him, he would be saved." Somehow the whisper was harsher than shouting, as if his anger being tempered by concearn for the sleeping form in your arms made you feel even worse. He wasn't some beligerant ass, he was a friend defending another friend.  
"I don't doubt it...but if all this is real, how do I keep her safe. I can't fight demons, or slay monsters. It's why you have to been lying; otherwise every time I told her I would protect her, I was." You admitted, alarmed by the level of trust already placed in this guy you had reslovrd to hate.  
"And yet, There she is, safe and sound because of you. I'd call that saving if I were you. Or anyon else. Besides, you're only human." He set the bags aside, smiling at you. "Also, meet Dean in the morning to figure out what your jobs are. He's the boss, so listened to him or have more than a hundred pissed off, battle hardened trauma survivors on your hands."  
"Sound advice..." you trailed off, seting Mary in the cot on the left side of the cabin, stirring her awake. Your ankle hurt, but you morphed the pained gremace into a confidant smirk as you moved to the "bed" opposite her.  
"Go back to sleep, kiddo. We'll been fine here, and I won't leave." You assured her.  
"Thanks, Sis. For everthing." She said, her open heart showing through brown eyes.  
"It's my job; no need to thank me."  
"I love you."  
"Love you, too kid. More than anything." 


	6. Chapter 6

"So how do you think those new girls are gonna work out?" Dean asked, loading his gun and looking up at Cas.  
"Well, if you and Sam were in their place, what would be your answer? She'll always be suspicious of us, but she knows it's better for Mary to be here, so she'll just sleep even less than usual and let it go. Don't try putting Mary on watch, she won't let her go, especially not without her, and probably not anything that she could construe as dangerous, either."  
"That's surviving, Cas. She'll have to get over it. I won't put the kid on watch alone, but I'm not gonna let her sit around on her ass either. Jane Thompson is fourteen and she has watch." He said, raising a brow, waiting for the contest that hadn't come since the drugs entered the pictures. Now, instead of pointing out logical fallacies and trying to stop Dean's behavior, he just made, admittedly educated, smart ass comments.  
"Jane is also the seventh best shot out of all of us, and she never goes anywhere without her dad, so bit of an odd comparison. And I'm not arguing, I'm telling you that she'll either kill you, or run off in the night if you try. Mary won't like it, but she'll do as her sister says."  
"Then they're nothing like Sam and me. He never listened to a word I said."  
"He listened when you told him to leave, Dean." Cas pointed out, as if Dean's guilt wasn't already bad enough.  
"Only because it's what he really wanted anyway. The dumb bastard." it was getting far too emotional, and Cas knew it. Years ago, he would have stayed and told Dean he was here for him if he was needed; that they were friends and that's what friends were for, but neither was the man they used to be. Castiel couldn't solve Dean's problems like he used to, and he had completely changed from the uptight, somewhat naive angel, to the amphetamine addicted, orgy-leading human, and Dean had done just the opposite. He used to be such an optimist, and now he had lost all humanity, his lack of heart what had always been expected of an angel, and which Cas hadn't been able to achieve.  
So he walked out, back to his cabin to try and fill the void his friend had left when he'd died with Sam with women and whatever intoxicating substance he could lay his hands on, ignoring the fact that it never quite worked.

"Is your leg alright, Sis? You've been limping since that fight." Mary asked you, and you cursed at your inability to hide it, even after wrapping it up.  
"Yeah, just a sprain, kiddo. It's alright." you assured her, and it was the truth. Probably. You couldn't feel any breaks, and it didn't feel like one. You were hardly going to get an x-ray, after all.  
"you shouldn't be doing much on it, anyway. You didn't let me so much as walk when I strained mine."  
"Different. Now we're in unfamiliar surroundings, and if we don't work they could damn well kill us. Watch shouldn't be more than walking around with a gun and shooting at anything that won't identify itself." You ruffled her hair, and she smiled sadly. You knew she worried about you, but you couldn't do anything else. This place would give her a permanent, and she had needed that for a while, even before the croats. Your parents fought a lot, and so when she stayed with them in college, and you left, she was alone. You wouldn't let her feel that way again, and this way she had connections even if something happened to you. She may even fall in love, something she had wanted since she could say the word. A romantic in a world full of hate; you wanted to preserve her kind heart. So you had to take to the darkness that you had always thrived in, wait in it to push her out if she ever veered near. No matter what, you would protect her. You had promised, after all.

_"Sis, can I sleep with you tonight? I had a nightmare..." she had come into your room in the dead of night as you typed furiously on the essay that was due for your pre-law class tomorrow. It was around two, but you still had at least another hour's worth of work to go.  
"Of course, kiddo. Come on." You yawned, knowing that she had to be physically touching you to have any comfort from you. A sister ten years younger than you was a pain sometimes, but she was so cute the rest, you couldn't complain. You got in the bed, sitting up with her head on your lap and your hand lightly rubbing her head.  
Her fear dissipated, and her eyes closed, beginning to go back to sleep. Moonlight shone through your window on the scene, her smile contagious, if only to you. Your parents had since gone to their separate beds, and so the house was silent. You kissed her forehead, ever-present protective instinct telling you to hold her even closer.  
"Don't worry, kid. No matter what, as long as I breathe, I'll protect you from anything." you vowed, thinking her already too far into unconsciousness to hear you.  
"I love you, sis." she mumbled, snuggling closer.  
"I love you, too. More than anything." you informed her.  
Your paper ended up late, but her well-rested eyes the next morning were worth more than a perfect score, anyday._

"Stay here, I'll go check for both of us in case Dean gets cranky in the morning." you told her, figuring it would make her feel slightly less guilty than the truth of you going in to take any dangerous jobs from her.  
You found her name and yours. You had two watches, which was fine, but she had one as well as wood-chopping duty in the morning. You sighed, figuring at least her watch overlapped with yours, so you could make sure she was alright there. You were obviously taking her other duty-she had asthma and that would leave her gasping for air after a while, and you wouldn't let her die of something so preventable. You came up with a lie as you walked from the meeting room, where weekly duties were posted.  
"We have afternoon watch together, and you're supposed to be making clothes and stuff. Sewing anything that needs it. I got wood chopping and another watch." you said, hating how easily you could lie to her, and how easily she trusted them. But it was necessary, you told yourself, and so it was okay.  
She just nodded, happy to be able to help with the embroidery she loved doing. But you couldn't go and watch her work magic with her needle; you had wood to chop.


	7. Chapter 7

You walked down the path through the forest to reach the clearing where firewood was brought. While there were a few other people who brought it in, taking them all day mostly, it was just two who cut it in the morning. The main fire had to be kept going at all times, as well as any smaller flames that were needed for one reason or another. You hadn't bothered looking for the second name before limping off to begin your duties, needing to get finished before you watch, and then you had to do your normal watch with Mary. Luckily you weren't used to getting much sleep, or keeping this schedule would be wearing you out.

"You know, I was under the impression that I would be chopping wood with the younger sister." Cas snuck up from behind you, amking you jump, and then wince when your ankle sent a shock of pain up your spine.

"Don't DO that!" You yelled, glare-pouting as he just gave a dreamy smile, as if you had reminded him of a fond memory. You wondered if you had, and what it was. Then you wondered why you cared.

"Back to the point of you doing someone else's job."

"It's getting done. Why does it matter as long as I can still do my other duties?" you asked, growing agitated with the man already. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if his voice weren't so monotone, or his body so relaxed while his eyes stayed glazed over as if he weren't really in there.

"I don't have a problem, but Dean would. He wants everyone to work to their full capacity, and if you're able to do the work of two people, he'll give it to you and then move on to the next guy. Mary can't rely on you forever."

"She doesn't know. I told her that her job was to sew things for people. She's good at embriodery." You told him, happy to be able to brag about the child you'd helped raised.

"She'll figure it out, and it won't be pretty."

"I know. But I'd rather her be angry than hurt."

"And chopping wood will hurt her? She'll be the only fat person in the apocolypse if you don't let her actually do something physical." He laughed at this, raising a single brow. You scowled.

"She's clumsy with her arms, and she may chop a leg off or something. There's plenty for her to do that doesn't involve large sharp objects."

"You have to believe in her at some point. She's a grown woman, and you treating her like a child will only make her angry at you, or worse, herself. Trust me, no one likes the feeling of being a burden." his small constant smirk faded as sadess peered from glazed eyes.

"She's my sister. You don't know us. You don't know anything." You spat, stopping in your tracks to glare at the man, who simply held his arms up in return.

"I'm trying to help. No need to get upset."

"Well we never needed your help! We were just fine on our own, dammit, so leave me alone!" you clenched your fists, wanting to hit him but knowing you'd loose the fight. Not only did you have an injured ankle, but the stance of a trained warrior was in everything from his straight back to the slight bend at his knees. He may have been drugged out of his mind, but fighting was all muscles memory and instinct.

"Fine. No one is making you stay." He replied quietly, walking ahead and leaving you behind along the path so angry tears were in your eyes, not because what he said was a lie, but because it was true. Who did he think he was breaking through years of carefully planned facade to see the weaknesses that no one had ever seen before. The fear of failure, the helplessness that had been buried underneath your mask of strength. He had taken them all away, and you fell to your knees in the forest, sobbing and violated in the most intimate of ways. What gave him the right to make you cry; to bring forth tears long supressed?

And why couldn't you hate him for it?

"Dean, just switch their duties." Cas said, his tattered jean-covered legs crossed at the ankle atop the meeting table.

"She needs to learn that I'm in charge, Cas. She'll get them changed when she comes to me to ask." Dean replied, tending to the stockpile of weopons with the tender love and care of a father and his children.

"She's you with boobs, Dean, she'll never learn. If she does it'll be right before she dies."

"And she'll never learn if I give in, either. I tried this with Sam, and it suffocated him. It chased him away, and I don't want that to happen to anyone else, alright?"

"So you ARE still human? There's a shocker."

"Unfortunatly I still have a soft spot for family. Now get the fuck out and get to your watch." Dean ordered, turning away so that Cas couldn't see the glint of sadness in the fearless leader's green eyes.

He couldn't help but see himself and Sammy in those two. She was just like him, after all. She had grown up protecting Mary, and couldn't accept that she was a grown ass woman who could take care of herself, and Mary was at the point where she was starting to get fed up with it. The point where Sammy had chosen Satan over his older brother's coddling. He couldn't let it happen again. Just because his heart had to die didn't mean their's did. He would stop it if it killed him.

Cas raged out of the cabin, feet stomping on the softened soil as he cursed Dean's stubborness. Even after all he had been through, the shell he built up, he couldn't see that there was nothing good to gain from working their newest asset to death when there were plenty of jobs she would let Mary do, and that the younger sister would be well suited to. After all, most of their current women were the strong feminist type who hated doing cooking and washing, and the men were hardly receptive to receiving the duties.

Knowing the luck of people a Winchester cared for, the elder would die, and the helpless little sister would sell her soul to a demon to bring her back, only to have them both posessed. At the same time, if she would just listen to him, everything would be fine. It wasn't as if he was heartless; he had their best intrest in mind; the difference was that Dean's idea was a stupid one. He was a millenia-old angel for christ's sake! Why would no one listen when he said that an inumerable large group of people had already made his mistake, and it would be dumb to do it again and watch two more sibling fall out and die because of it. He literally had a list of how many people had fucked up like this, but that didn't matter when the guy with the gun and the respect said that it was going to go down.

He almost wished that Croats would storm the place so that he could start shooting something.

"Sis, i'm fine! It's just a little cut." Mary sighed as you tended to her "wound". While on patrol duty, she had sliced her arm on some thorns she hadn't noticed were there, and that left her leash, already short, virtually non-existant.

"It could get infected easily, not to mention the fact that you wrapped a dirty cloth around it. I'm not loosing you to something so rediculous." you told her, finishing with a clean bandage from your own store, rather than the camp's. They didn't know about it, of course, but that didn't mean that there was anything wrong with it. Not that Mary agreed.

"You should really give those to Chuck. We're part of the group now, so it's not okay for us to keep stuff from them."

"It's been three days, Mary. We're not a part of anything. They rescued us, and I'm glad to not be dead, but that doesn't mean we can trust them."

"Why are you always so cynical? Maybe, just once, something good happened to us!"

"And why would this be anything different from what's happened to me my whole life? Nothing ever turns out to be a good thing, and this is going to be exactly the same." you affirmed, hating her optimism more than anything in that moment.

"Including me then? Including surviving? Being healthy in a fucking apocolypse?" Mary never cursed, and you clentched your jaw.

"I love you, Mary. You're the only thing in this world that makes surviving a good thing. But please, don't be so trusting of people we don't know. Trust only lets people hurt us. It's me and you, and it always will be. The rest of the world is optional."

"No! I can't live like that. I love you, too, but I want someone else. I want a man who will love and protect me, and treat me like an equal instead of a child. It may be easy for you to say love doesn't matter, but I never had it like you did. Mine is still out there somewhere, and I'm not going to shoo him away for your paranioa."

"You won't find anyone if you kill yourself with something stupid."

"And what's the point of surviving if you aren't living. A brave man dies once, but a coward never lives."

"Don't you quote Ceasar at me. Not even paraphrase. Becaues you know what happened to him? He got stabbed by the people he thought were his friends, and everything he had worked for crumbled like stale bread."

"But he created an empire, he had friends and happiness for those few years, and that's better than a life of nothing. Why don't you get that?"

"Because sometimes you put your neck out, and there's nothing but cold. I'd rather be the turtle that stays in it's shell instead of greeting the angry dog trying to eat it."

She fell silent, and you looked away, not able to take the anger that was in every pore of her being. You rarely fought with your sister, and couldn't help wondering if somehow that cracked up ass had gotten to her.


	8. Chapter 8

"Dammit!" you shouted, unable to cut the wood into the same perfect halves as Cas. He was addicted to an entire pharmacy and maintained perfect accuracy, but you were lucky to cut the logs at all stone cold sober.

"If you get angry you'll just end up aiming worse." He said, seeming smug to you as he flawlessly bisected his own section of unfortunate tree.

"I've had about enough of your preaching, Cas. Just because you say you used to be an angel doesn't mean that I give a damn what you think." you shot back defensively.

"No one ever listens. You know where that got Dean? Without a little brother, that's where. You know where it gets anyone who doesn't listen to me? Bad places. But fine! What do I care if your sister ends up hating you and getting possessed by a demon to spite you?" you were too tired to deal with him, so you just scowled and chopped again, this time at least cutting it near the center.

"You know your watch starts in twenty minutes."

"I'm aware." you answered, trying not to stumble as you started falling asleep standing. It had been three days since you did more than drift off, and it was starting to wear on you. You hadn't exactly gotten in your eight hours before, but a good solid three or four hours was needed every other day or so to tide you over until you were actually safe and didn't need to watch over Mary. It wasn't that you didn't trust her, it was only that she wasn't very watchful, and tended to either wander off or get distracted. She made an awful guardsman.

"And you also know you'll never finish here in that time."

"Does this have a point, other than to point out my current failure?"

"I was going to offer to finish for you, but I figured I should get past your innate habit of claiming self-solvency first. You have a habit of stretching yourself too far, even when others around you are willing to help and I was avoiding being yelled at."

"Why would you help me?" Your anger dissipated. You had been nothing but mean to him, or anyone around him, and yet he was still offering to help you.

"Because you're a good person, and I've got nothing better to do, anyway. Go, do watch, and I'll talk to Dean and get him to switch up Mary's jobs. You're no good to us passed out, and she's not being used to her full potential."

"Her asthma makes anything physical hard."

"I know. But cooking isn't very popular, but she's good at it from what I understand."

"Yeah. Thanks, by the way."

"It's no problem. Oh! And Dean wanted to see you when your watch was done. You've been invited to the rare and elusive war meeting. That means you're officially not a grunt." he playfully punched your shoulder, and you were almost cheered up by his smile, until you recognized the emptiness within. You faked a smile in return and walked away, deciding that you would try and talk to him later-really talk to him, rather than the default shallow conversation of acquaintances. He obviously needed it; something had made him turn to those pills rather than a friend.

"I suppose that's better than being called without input. Thank you. I owe you one, Cas."

"Hurry, before you're late. And you're welcome." he gestured his head toward the western gate where your duty began, and chopped another perfect piece of wood. You ran off, following his instruction and wondering if he was really the person he seemed, or if he was actually the person he said.

"So then, Cas tells me you can shoot." Dean said, once a handful of people had assembled in the command cabin that served as his own. Risa, Cas, and a couple more you had yet to learn the names of.

"I was the best shot back in the police academy, and until I came here, I hunted every meal for Mary and me since the croats. I can shoot, yes."

"Good. We'll need you then. We're going on a small raid into the city for hygiene supplies."

"That's fine. When do we head out?"

"Tomorrow at dawn; we wanna be out by the time they really start waking up at noon."

"Sounds good. How many are going?"

"Just the seven of us, the van will hold a couple trips worth, but it's better than a large group. That attracts them too quick, and bullets are scarce."

"That's the 'what makes me special' face, Dean." Cas said, "I saw it on you enough to recognize it anywhere."

"Because I wanna see if she'll be of any use on the field without it being a mission where one person can get us all killed. We need to know if we can trust her."

"You're what's best for Mary; until that ceases to be true, you can trust me." you answered, hoping that you didn't screw this up and end up having the both of you thrown out.

"I expected that. I'll see you all in the morning. Until then, take it easy and get some rest."

With that you were dismissed, and when Dean's soul searching green eyes peered into yours, you looked away, unable to meet them knowing that you would never be able to give the loyalty he expected.

You walked through the bead door into Cas' cabin, heart pounding like you were on a first date; a feeling that you'd not had in years. He was sitting on a hammock, reading a book with the reek of weed permeating the air, mixed with the incense put in holders that ranged from crosses to Buddhas. He glanced up at you, question in his face. You smiled, and made a small waving motion.

"Hey. Just thought that would come to visit." You said, not knowing how else to begin conversation.

"All I had to do was offer to help you chop wood to break that icy exterior of yours? Should have told me; I'd chop twice as much." he joked, dog-earing the book, a sure sign of someone who loved them, but for the words, rather than the pages.

"It just made me realize that I've been rather rude for no reason. I just figure that I have to balance Mary out somehow; she's so naïve."

"I'd love to find more like her though. Innocence like that was rare before, but now she may be the only one remaining."

"It's wonderful, but can't exist on it's own in a world like this where everyone damn near is out for themselves, and only that."

"You say it like you're included."

"I'm hardly the cherub my sister is."

"But you're not out for yourself. You'd die for her, and if it weren't for her, most others, i'd bet. You're one of the knights, not a peasant, nor a saint."

"Weed everywhere and you can still be profound. Impressive."

"Thank you. Dean says it gets the stick out of my ass, and one can't afford being stiff in a crisis."

"So, what made you start, anyway. The whole apocalypse doesn't seem to phase you much, so it had to be something else."

"I told you, I was an angel of the Lord. And now I'm not. You could never comprehend how weak humans are unless you have been something else and given it up."

"What happened? Is this the real end? Because I can't believe that Mary would get left behind by any God worth worshiping. She read her bible every night, and went to church as long as it was legal. She prays even though she had no reason to, and helps anyone she can. Always has."

"It's not Judgment day, if that's what you mean. This was something that no one saw coming. It was supposed to be biblical, but Dean said no, and Sam said yes, and so we end up here. Satan rules the Earth, and the other angels all left."

"Why? I mean, Michal winning was a good thing, right?"

"They didn't want it to happen at all, not to mention the fact that he'd have to kill Sam for it to work. Michal was always an ass, anyway. But no one saw Lucifer's betrayal coming. He was so kind; he taught Gabriel and I how to fly, as well as most of the other fledglings. I wish he had just trusted our Father long enough to see the brilliance in mankind's imperfections."

"And why aren't you still flying around? No wings or halos?"

"When the others left,my mojo just plummetted. And I found that loosing a part of yourself, and the pain accompanying it, can easily be numbed by neat little things called opiates and amphetamines."

"Why'd you stay? What would make you give up on everyone to stay on a damned planet?"

"Dean was my best friend-the only one who ever accepted me for who I was. I wanted to stay and protect him."

"I see. Well, you may not want to keep coping with those. Humans have these things called organs, and drugs make them not work as they should. You can't protect Dean if you're dead."

"Dean's not the Dean I knew. He closed off his heart; he wouldn't cry if I died, only mourn the loss of usefulness." he seemed convicted of this, that no one would ever miss him, and you knew that feeling.

"You know, back when Mary went off to college and got a new boyfriend, I thought she didn't need me anymore. She rarely called, and when she did it was just to report how she was doing great. Turns out she'd been faking it, and one night she came into my house, scaring the hell out of my husband, and cried until I let her sleep in my bed instead of him. He'd broken up with her, but only after she refused to share him with the girl he was cheating on her with. I thought she would be fine alone, but she'll always need me. And even if Dean doesn't care anymore...I would cry." your cheeks were pinkened, but his were crimson as tears fell from too-blue eyes shining with emotion.

"Thank you..." He said, getting up and holding his hands out, clearly asking for permission to hug you.

Every logical instinct said to keep him at arm's length; that that personal space was only for you and Mary. Sisters stuck together, and three was a crowd, after all. But the niggling instinct that you had relied on to make sure both of you lived had your arms wrapped around him, his face buried in your shoulder in spite of the awkward angle he had to bend to do so, before the logic could make you stop.

"So if you're an angel, is Cas your real name?" You asked, hoping to get back to the place of mild familiarity that was safer than where you were now.

"Castiel. I helped with the day of Thursday."

"That's always been my lucky day."

"Usually people like Saturday, or Friday."

"No. people are expected to have plans on those days, but no one ever expected anything out of Thursday. That meant it had infinite potential for something new and unexpected."

"Good point, I guess. But you need to go get some sleep. Can't be passing out in a hot zone." He raised a brow at you, and you nodded.

"Good night then, angel. See you tomorrow." you waved at him, walking out to your cabin. The sun was going down, and you watched it a moment before going into your cabin and laying on the cot you called home, trying not to pay attention to the panic of Mary not being beside you yet.

"Oh! Hey, Cas. I didn't expect to see you around here." Mary said, walking to the cabin that she and her sister shared after helping with the dinner rush said sibling hadn't been part of.

"I wanted to talk to you, actually. It's about your sister." He told her, his hands in his pockets and pondering look on his face.

"I'm sorry about her. She's just been so guarded since this all started." she apologized, hoping that the elder hadn't done anything too outrageous.

"Actually she came and talked to me this evening. I was wondering what it was that made her so guarded. She mentioned a husband, but not what it was that happened to him."

"You couldn't guess that a croat got him? She was never the same since then. She never told us, but we were pretty sure that she had to be the one to shoot him."

"So it was a happy marriage, then?"

"You'd never see two people more in love. He was a lawyer, and she was a cop. They met on the witness stand, and he asked her out. She was still living at home at the time, but never told us how serious it was until they came home a year later announcing engagement. Whenever she was with him, she wasn't so uptight. She trusted him to protect her, but he never made her feel like she needed him for it. There was a light in her eyes that's gone now, and I'd give anything to see it back there. She's never trusted anyone, not even really me, since. I really hope something, or someone, here changes that."

"So do I. To loose someone you love is bad enough, but under those circumstances..."

"Just don't tell her I told you, and don't, for any reason, tell anyone else. I'm only telling you because I think you could be good for her."

"Why's that?"

"Because she talks about you like she doesn't wanna gut you, and in her language, that means you may be able to put the sparkle in her eyes, and she could put one back in yours." Mary smiled, and walked away, leaving a shocked angel blinking as rain began to drip down.


	9. Chapter 9

Rain was still falling when you woke to get ready for your expedition into the city, the sky a muggy, almost foreboding gray.

You grabbed the pistol that you usually left with Mary, and belted your trusty machete to your hip before walking out of the cabin, the rush of danger that had been missing starting to buzz in your veins again, leaving you more alert that you had been in months, since your last good night's sleep. You were practically skipping when you arrived at the gate where the van was being loaded up, Cas already inside and humming to himself as he cleaned his gun. Dean's was likely already prepared, and he held the assault weapon in one hand and checked a watch with the other.

"And here's the last one. Get in the van and let's get going." He said as he rolled his eyes, seemingly annoyed at your unintentional tardiness, and you flushed, embarrassed to be the one they were waiting for.

You crawled in, sitting next to Cas with Dean and Risa on the two seats across from you, both glaring as if you had just committed some unforgivable atrocity. You were somewhere between outrage for their unfair aggression, and shame for the act which had caused it. And then Cas smiled at you, a warm, kind of sleepy, lopsided grin that left all of the negative emotions gone.

Until it turned your blood to ice, remembrance of the first time you saw a grin like that leaving you barely able to keep tears from trickling from pricking eyes.

"_Harry, stop!" you swatted his arm, yours wrapped around it as you walked out of the movie theater, a smile on both your faces. He was currently insulting one of the characters, and earning nasty looks from a teenage girl who was coming from the same film._

"_Why? If the guy is gonna be an idiot, I'm gonna make fun of him. Besides, those pretty lips of yours are smiling." he pointed out, his half-grin of 'totally won that argument' coming to life on Cupid's bow lips._

_You decided that the teen would get over it, and placed a slow kiss upon the smile, happier than you could remember being in a long time. Except maybe the last seven dates since your first with the persistent prosecutor who wouldn't give up in justice, or in love. _

He watched what little light there was fade from her eyes as she stared into the past through the unlikely portal of the window. He wished he were still an angel, if nothing else so that he could take her back in time to see her husband again. Cas didn't even know his name, but he already gave the man his utmost respect, and yet hated him for not managing to stay alive; for the lack of strength that had hurt someone he was already starting to like. She really was a lot like the old Dean, only with the vague hint of femininity that set his heart aflutter when the tank top she liked to wear dropped a tad too low.

He knew that Dean was just being hard on her to test her mettle, but each scathing look left him wishing that the leader would just accept that she was tough enough to survive this long with what was obviously, though he would never say it aloud, a practical lame leg. While he knew that she loved Mary more than anything, the fact still remained that she had to be tough for the both of them, while Mary kept their humanity safe in her protected bubble. Like Same did, before Dean lost him, and the only softness he had with him.

He didn't realize that he had been staring at her until the van pulled to stop, and he spied the knowing look in Dean's eye, nearly had a heart attack, and exhaled after seeing the far away one still remaining in hers.

"Hey, Cas. You like bets?" You asked, hopping from the van, and catching him by surprise, if the widening of his eyes were any indication.

"That would depend on the bet." He answered, a logical choice.

" We see who can kill the most croats. If I win, then you cut down on the pills, one less a day than usual." you offered.

"And if I win?"

"Anything you want. You won't beat me."

"Why are you so sure?" He asked, and the others stopped, watching for your response.

"Because, you idiot. I can't loose. Not when it means I can save you to win. I won't lose, because it's not an option."

"fine. But if you do, you have to come over to one of my love sessions."

"Deal." You replied without thinking. If you gave it thought you could have backed out, and you couldn't have that. There was no way you could allow yourself to ponder why it was you hated that empty look in his eyes so much, clouded glass hiding a house full of pain and loss. Everyone had lost something dear to them in this world, and you never cared this much for any of them. Even Dean, who had lost his little brother earned little more than a sympathetic nod. It was a gut feeling, and instinct had been what kept you alive thus far.

So it was with the utmost determination you ran ahead, ignoring Dean's shout to come back, or the sound of Cas' feet running to catch up to you, both already in competition before you even crossed into the hot zone. You drew your machete as you crawled through the hole in the barbed-wire covered chain link, able to fit your slimmer body through faster than the bulkier body of his muscle. He cursed as his loose shirt caught, giving you a head start, which you used to your full advantage.

"Come and get me, you crazy bastards!" you shouted, headed for the grocery store where they were always scavenging rotting meant left behind in the initial evacuation. Needless to say, there was soon a group of at least twenty after you in moments. Your ankle started to hurt as you pivoted to cut the head of a third, making you wince just as Cas made it into the fray. You both knew that you wouldn't lie, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't shove you out of the way, or vice versa. It was the one time where moving a comrade out of danger was now, when every kill mattered.

By the time Dean and Risa caught up, there was a pile of bodies around the two of you, both panting and looking around for where the next kill was coming from, sitting outside the Walt-Mart. Not all of the bodies were Croat, either. Half-rotted humans sat where they had tried to hold the superstore, and failed when the military shot them down to force them out. It left the stench of death in the air, mixing with the unique odor of freshly spilled Croat blood.

"What took you so long? I'm already at 19." Cas said, smiling at his false illusion of victory.

"And I'm at twenty-one." you added, raising a brow in contest, leaving a muttered curse coming from the ex-angel.

"You're a soldier for thousands of years and you can't beat a girl, Cas? Kinda pathetic. Be happy she didn't give you a handicap."

"We'll see who's better. It's cause she got there first is all. We'll see now that we get an even shot at them." He scowled, turning on his heel and walking into the store. You followed, taking a deep breath and pulling your gun from it's holster. The risk of the sound carrying to a horde wasn't as large inside as it was out, and it would be easier to kill them with the long range weapon.

Inside, you were tasked with gathering feminine items, because even after all Dean had steeled himself up to, he couldn't say the word "tampons", apparently. While that left you with less chance for Croat encounters, Cas had shampoo, which was even farther from the food isles than you. You were currently under the impression that Dean wanted you to win to help save his friend, but wasn't too open about it because he thought the concept of you having to join one of these "love sessions" would be funny, whatever they were.

You had one arm full of boxes when you heard a shout coming from your left, where Cas was. You dropped them, sprinting over to the isle he was in to find him wrestling with a Croat, barely keeping it from digging it's teeth into his arm. You fired, hitting its leg so the blood wouldn't get in Cas' mouth, and watched as it howled with rage and spun up to face you. You fired again, this time a head shot, and its skull exploded, sending bits of red everywhere. You knew better than to leave your head facing it to watch, lest the blood, and the virus, get into your body.

"That was a close one, angel. Maybe you should be bit more careful." You said, holding out a hand to lift him from the linoleum floor. He took it, somewhere between pride and gratitude.

"I was doing fine without you, but thanks. It still only counts as one though."

"Whatever you say, Gimli." you laughed, hauling him up before firing at a shambling Croat that had been on its way over, attracted by the sound.

"I don't understand that reference." He informed you, taking aim at another.

"God Dammit, Cas! Can't you two calm down for two seconds?" Dean shouted, across the store but still hearing the gun shots.

"Calm your tits, Dean! We're just gankin' croats!" you called back, a smirk on your face as you kicked the shelf to your right down, empty but still standing. It fell, and the crash it cause as it broke to pieces left every one of the half-dead bastards headed at a dead run to your position.

"And people say that I'm crazy." Cas shouted, apparently unamused by your actions.

"What? Angel of God scared of a few little croats? Looks like I'm gonna win, then. Just stay behind me and try not to cry too loud." you teased, cracking your neck and beheading one of them with the ever sharp blade, drawn from your hip like a master swordsman.

He said nothing, merely pulled out his own sword, and started cutting away at the horde gathering around you. You kept up your count, and were pretty sure that he was as well, even if it did take away a certain amount of concentration. It only ended when there were no more of them in the three level supermarket, at which point you calmly grabbed your designated items, and headed to the front where Dean and Risa waited impatiently, their eyebrows raised in annoyance at your antics. Adrenaline rushed through your blood, and you couldn't bring yourself to give a damn what your leader thought of you, only that this was the most fun you'd had in years. Your ankle would hurt like hell as soon as you came down from the natural high, but that was a distant thought as you moved to throw all of your stuff into a discarded shopping cart.

Three trips later, you were on your way back to the van for the final time, nothing menacing in the slightest in sight, when you heard a far off gun shot. No one in your group had fired, but that didn't stop the horde from rushing from every alleyway to see what was going on. Dean and Risa, already across the fence, were unable to reach Cas ad yourself as even their voices were blocked off by mad corpses. In the initial fit of mad slashing to keep them off of you, you lost track of which direction the way out was, and Cas appeared to be in the same situation, desperate to just stay alive. There was no count here, just survival, the two of you working in surprising harmony as you weaved in and out of the throngs of enemies you fought together against.

Their growling faded away into the background, your breathing and racing heart taking over as time seemed to slow to a crawl. Every sense was on high alert, and yet dulled to the feel of battle, giving way to the instinct that you had developed to a fine art over the years. And yet, even with this impeccable instinct, you still found yourself dragged to the ground, fear chilling you in spite of the summer heat. You waited a brief moment that felt like ages for the bite that would seal your fate, though it never came.

Instead, your prior competition was shoving a blade through the head about to end you, and when you looked up, instead of a conquering hero, you saw blood running down his arm where teeth were embedded into his shoulder.

Tears pricked your eyes as another clawed a chunk of flesh from his left leg, brining him to his knee. You screamed, shooting up with rage coursing through every inch of your being, slashing like a man possessed at anything that was moving. This couldn't be happening. He was bit, and when people got bit, especially like that, they turned. He was going to be gone now, because he had saved you, and you couldn't believe that would happen. You weren't worth it, and this was supposed to be about saving him.

Finally, with the help of Dean and Risa, who had carved their way over to you, the croats were all down, but so was Cas. Not dead, but pale and gritting his teeth against the pain. You dropped to your knees, tears dripping from your face and onto his.

"Why would you do that, you moron!" you cried, hitting the pavement beside his shoulder, "I said that I wanted to save you so you go and get yourself killed?"

"Mostly because I wanted to save you, and make sure you got back to Mary. But also because I'm immune to the virus. I'll live." He told you, grimace holding a small hint of a smile.

"What? How?"

"I'm an angel, remember? No mojo, but I still have a tougher body, if only by a little. Stop crying, it makes those pretty eyes all red and puffy." he said, and relief hit you like warm soup on a freezing winter afternoon when you'd been outside all day.

You wrapped your arms around him, happy not to go home with a corpse.

Happy to go home...


	10. Chapter 10

"You know, in the end, you did win." Cas said, laying in the hammock in his cabin, carried in by Dean as the others unloaded the van. He wasn't meeting your eyes, but you hardly wanted to look into his either. While he would live, guilt still ran rampant in your heart, the chunks of flesh missing from his body your fault.

"Cas, that competition was stupid, and you know it. Especially when it comes to this." you told him, hoping that the pain in your voice wasn't as apparent as you thought it was.

"But you were still right. I need to stop. I've done so many dumb things trying to numb the pain of it all; of being alone. But I'm not, at least not anymore." He smiled, pulling his bottle from his pocket and holding it out to you. "You don't need any more pressure, but I have to ask a favor of you anyway."

"What is it...?" you didn't dare to hope that he was about to say what you thought, thinking that reaching for the numbing capsules to be jinxing the outcome.

"I need you to help me feel again. Take the pills, and you decide when I get them. Wean me off as quick as you deem fit, and don't give in to my begging against that schedule." he asked, shaking it as if to rush your taking before he changed his mind.

You did so, smiling with him, trying not to be alarmed at how quickly he had worked his way into your small circle of protective instincts. You screwed the cap off, and took one out, putting it back into his hand before placing it safely in the bottom left pocket of your cargo pants.

"I'll talk to Dean about your shifts. I'll catch as many as I can." You told him, laughing internally when he didn't even try and argue with your resolution.

"Thanks. For everything. For giving a damn." And damn if that wasn't the saddest thing you'd heard since the last time you told your own story. It nearly made you break down and sob right there.

"Thanks for making me give a damn, Cas. Not to mention loosing half your calf to save me. Just rest here. I'll take care of you."

"Was that a pick-up line? Because I'd be okay with that."

"Dammit Castiel!" you shouted, annoyed that he'd ruined your moment, and happy at the same time. You were getting far too close, and now he could just be some drug-ridden pervert a moment longer.

"Come on! You can't blame me." he laughed, trying to put his hands behind his head and cursing when it pulled on the torn flesh on his shoulder.

"That's what you get, you pig." you stormed out, hiding the playful smile that came to your lips. You had almost forgotten what fun felt like.

"Dean, are you in here?" You called into the half open door of his cabin. Either he was in and not doing much, or had been murdered considering he almost never let his door stay ajar. He had a thing with knowing exactly who was in his space when, and if he didn't know who you were, rumor was he'd shoot you.

"Yeah. Come on in." you took the invitation, walking in to the large wooden home and finding him polishing his guns with a fifth of whiskey on the table in front of him.

"Um...are you alright?" Concern was the socially acceptable response in this situation, after all. You didn't quite feel it for him as you knew you should have, but you could fake it.

"Yeah. Are you here about Mary or Cas?" He asked, apparently already understanding that they were pretty much the only two people you'd bother coming in for.

"Mostly Cas, although if you're willing to talk about Mary I won't waste an opportunity. Both of them about their duties, especially now that Cas is hurt." you said, and he smiled.

"I've got people that'll pick up his slack until he's better, and yours 'cause you'll be taking care of him. And no, Mary won't have to have an asthma attack for that to happen. She's on kitchen duty and mending duty like a good little dark-age lady. That about solve your problems?" he raised a brow, a smirk forming like the cat that caught the canary.

"I still won't sleep with you." was your response, and he shrugged.

"Worth a shot I suppose. Now run along, you've got an idiot to care for." he shooed you away with a wave of his hand, and you couldn't even make yourself angry at the somewhat childish treatment.

You went to your cabin first, finding Mary out, and gathering some things to move into Cas' cabin for a while. You were just walking out with your bag when she came in, her arms full of clothing she was presumably meant to mend.

"Hey, kiddo." you said, throwing your bag over your shoulder.

"Dean said that you were gonna be taking care of Cas, huh?" She waggled her brows suggestively, and your blushed bright red.

"Shut up! I'm just making sure he doesn't die!"

"Uh huh. All alone at night, and there's only one bed. Slowly autumn creeps in and it's cold. He ushers you under his blanket and BOOM! I've got a nephew."

"It's nothing like that, dammit!" You insisted, wondering where she even got the idea.

"Come on! You know you like him, sis. I haven't seen you as happy as you are just talking about him in ages." she argued, and you just scowled.

"There is absolutely nothing going on between me and Cas, Mary. We're friends at the most."

"That's a start. You used to tell me that friends were just enemies with better acting skills." she said, and you cursed mentally, realizing just how much she worried for you. You placed a kiss on her forehead.

"I was wrong about a lot of things, Mary. But I had to be. We wouldn't have made it otherwise. I'm sorry." you left her with that, before walking out into the chilling late-summer air.

When you walked into Cas' cabin, he was sound asleep, his face frowning in narcotic-dulled pain, but not so much that he needed roused. He slept on his back, just like William had. But they were nothing alike, when you looked at it. He had been uptight and orderly, everything in it's proper place, because organization meant victory and loosing wasn't an option. He had been your counter balance when you got too far into the sky, weighing you down to earth, but never an inch too far. His smile had been enough to leave you in a good mood, and each kiss was like the first, but better. Because the ring you still wore around your finger, all you had left, meant that he loved you more than anyone else in the world.

So you couldn't love Cas, or even start to. It would be a second betrayal, and one that didn't need to be done. You had already been the one to kill him, send his body to the dirt. There was no reason to crush his memory as well. Cas was a friend, and he would stay that way. Your heart was already too small and broken to really love again anyway. It would be cruel to the ex-angel to allow him into a relationship with you, even if he thought he wanted one. People had a habit of assuming that you were more than you were, that the ice was just a facade. While it was exaggerated, you were hardly warm and cozy on the inside.

So you grabbed a book, one that was on myths and monsters, and started reading, careful not to think of William, or Castiel, or feelings. Because those would lead to disaster. You would turn into a sobbing mess, Cas would wake up, and you didn't know how to explain your current emotional state to yourself, much less anyone else.

When Castiel woke up, he found that he wasn't alone in his cabin. (y/n) was asleep beside him in a wooden chair that he kept only for when he had temporary guests. It was just plain wood, with no cushioning, making it the most uncomfortable piece of furniture in the entire camp. She would have been better off sleeping on the rug on his floor. When he had the ladies over, that's where he usually ended up drifting off. Her head was tilted over, her guards all down and looking ten years younger without them. Her eyebrows unfurrowed, her scowl now a small 'o' as she breathed softly through her mouth. In her lax hands was one of his books, turned to a page about a quarter of the way through.

So she had stayed up watch him for a good bit of the night, considering this was a book in fairly fine print and she was a couple hundred pages in. His leg hurt like Hell, and his shoulder wasn't much better, but he couldn't bring himself to wake her from her peaceful rest even for the pills that would bring him some relief. He nearly reached his hand out to grasp hers as it hung from her side, dangling and begging to be held, but that would end badly and he knew it.

She was so withdrawn, like an abused dog, she had the hint of caring and protectiveness from her old days, but mostly an instinct to growl and bite at anything that got close. She allowed them to be physically close, but the touch would be far more than physical contact. It would show an emotional connection, and she would severe it with a chainsaw to keep from being hurt again. He knew she would, he had seen it more times than he could count. From Napoleon to Dean, people who were hurt tended to either hurt more, or retreat inside themselves. Offensive or defensive, the world became a world war on their heart, and they saw every potential ally as a potential for betrayal.

He wanted to do as Mary had said, make the sparkle in her eyes come back, but that would take time and careful planning. He couldn't move to fast, or she'd shove everyone away. So he put his hand in his lap, and waited for her to wake, so he could say good morning, and that he hoped she slept well. When she asked why he hadn't woken her up, he would make a lecherous comment about being able to stare at her without being slapped. It was true in a way, he did take in as much as he could, but it was more of her face, and the restful calm than her body.

She would probably find that to be more violating, in actuality.


	11. Chapter 11

You yawned awake, surprised to see the sun bright, and shining into your face. It mus have been nearly noon for it to already be so bright. A small grunt brought your attention to Cas, gritting his teeth and breathing through them as he held his leg.

"Why didn't you wake me up, you idiot!" you shouted, grabbing the bottle from your pocket frantically before practically tearing it open with fumbling fingers, handing him two.

"You looked so peaceful. You never look like that when you're awake." he answered as if you had asked him the time of day, a simple response to a question of little import.

"It doesn't matter! You're sitting here with a hole in your leg because of me, so the least I can do is make sure I give you your medicine on time." you yelled, scowling at him with a mix of anger and worry, though mostly the latter.

"Maybe I like your calm face more than I like these pills? Did you ever think that I made these choices for me? Because I give a damn about you? You don't have to take care of everyone with nothing in return, you know?" he snapped back, gesturing with the narcotics before dry swallowing them.

"You'd have women busting your door down if you actually had one, so why does my face matter? You're delirious from the pain, moron." you explained, picking up the book which had fallen from your lap in your scramble.

"Because you aren't like any of them. I don't care what expression is on their faces." he said, his eyes full of emotion, even if they still had a light hazing from the drugs.

"You shouldn't, Cas. I'm not the kind of person you benefit from caring for." before he could argue, you got up, walking away. The air was crisp, but of the perfect temperature, and you used to opportunity to go for a run. You used to do it all the time, needing to keep healthy, but after society collapsed, there weren't any spare calories, and you worked out enough as it was making sure that there were enough to keep you and Mary alive.

Now you had plenty of food, and not nearly as much to do and you had to get your metabolism back up again lest you grow to be the only fat person in the end of the world. Not to mention that there was no way the guy with half his leg missing was going to be able to come and make you question everything you knew while you were running. You doubted he could catch you otherwise, seeing as you had always been the fastest at the police station. New guys had to race you when they first got in, just so they didn't have a big head.

And you needed to be away from him, because every word that came out of his mouth chipped away at the wall of sanity you'd built around yourself brick by painful brick. It had taken you years, and now he was destroying all of it and you had to go and see him and hear his voice as it tore you down every four hours. Because it wasn't his fault, he was just trying to help you, and to get help from you, and you couldn't be mad at him for that. You didn't know what you were, really. Anger was your go-to emotion with those other than your sister at this point. Presume that they planned to hurt you, and hurt them first. You hadn't felt anything but anger, suspicion and animalistic protectiveness in so long that you'd forgotten what to do with them. You didn't remember what it felt like to be on the other side of the reassurances, the promises that couldn't be kept, but sounded nice anyway.

"William, if you can hear me, I need you to tell me if it's okay. I need a sign. Please, I don't usually do this but I'm so damn confused. I can't love both of you, can I?" you asked, slowing to a halt and looking into the sky as nothing but a small, brisk flutter of wind blew by. You waited a minute, before cursing.

What the hell were you doing? You never believed in any of this, and even if you did the man immune to croats because he was apparently an angel said that they were all gone. No heaven to be had. He wasn't there, even if there had been a heaven. And yet, even thinking of another man felt like betrayal. The freezer of your heart was starting to melt in the ironic chill of late fall, and the fading numbness hurt.

You sighed, clenching your fists and swinging at the nearest tree, the bark scraping your knuckles, blood welling at the small injury. You cursed loudly, a stream of expletives pouring out as you tried to figure out a way to make this go back to normal. Nothing came but the darkening of the sky as evening began to set it. You were late giving Cas his meds, and you sprinted back to the cabin, hoping that he wasn't in too much pain.

When you arrived, he was in much the opposite state. He had been moved to the rug on the floor, and three women were on top of him, all four of them completely naked. It hurt to see, and you didn't know why. You weren't in a relationship, and he was entitled to whatever he wanted to do. This must have been what you were expected to do as part of the bet, and you bit back tears, realizing that his words of you being different were just lies. The only thing that made you different from them is that you refused to sink to that level.

"Here's your medicine, though it seems like you're doing fine. I think I'll keep it." you spat, all of them jerking up, the girls just curious, as if they expected you to join them. Cas looked like he'd seen a ghost, horror filling his expression.

"No, wait..." he tried to call, but she just left at the same run she'd been at to get to him.

You at least had your answer. What little affection had been growing in your chest for the idiot who had a psychotic break and fancied himself and angel was well and truly gone. Of course he was just a pervert, but damn he was good at it. He almost had you thinking that he was a good person, when in reality he probably had another bottle of pills, and did this to get all those other girls to trust him before he got them addicted to. It was like every European prostitution ring you'd ever heard about but with only one guy, and he kept them all for himself.

This time you didn't know where you were running, as the sun went down and night fell. Everyone probably assumed you were with Cas, and he couldn't exactly get up and tell anyone that you weren't. That, and he seemed to be busy. He wouldn't send his whores away just to report one girl missing. So you ended up in the middle of the forest, at the rusted gate to the camp, and having no idea how to get back. You cried out, angry at yourself and Castiel and everyone and everything for ending you up in this position. You'd never wished to change anything before, not finding a point other than to point out how bad off you were. But now you had time to think, and you were already depressed so what was the harm.

"Why wasn't I the one who died?" you asked no one. "Why not me instead of William, or anyone else. Mom. Dad, uncle, anyone who could have kept Mary safe. They wouldn't have fallen for some crazy guy and lost track of the number one rule."

The number one rule. You and Mary were a team, and no one else was to be trusted. You never let anyone in, and you definitely never hurt for them. Empathy was a dirty word as far as you were concerned, and you stayed as distant as you possibly could while not getting shot. And you broke it, as many times as you'd lectured Mary on it, you broke the rule, and even questioned it's merits for a brief moment.

"I can change the part where you lived, hon." your blood went cold as you felt icy metal go to your throat, a knife held by whatever chain smoker had spoken.

"I have a camp nearby, and they're already looking for me, I can guarantee it." you lied, hoping that the knowledge you were in a group would keep you alive.

"Silly girl. Why would they look for someone who ran away? I mean, maybe the crazy guy, but he'll probably get lost when he sees a butterfly flitting about. No, you'll be part of my group now." on cue, three more men came from the trees, all of them looking like stereotypical thugs, and holding lecherous grins on their faces.

You didn't have your gun, you didn't have anything but your own stupidity, and regret. You were completely powerless as he ordered you to stand. His hands wandered over your body, and as he chuckled his rancid breath nearly made you gag. Your brain was rushing at top speed trying to find a way out of this, but as long as that blade was pressed so tightly to your neck there wasn't much you could do.

"Sis! Sis, you out here?" Great. Now Mary was here, too. You hoped to hell she brought someone with her, or at least the gun. But that was too much to ask for, as she emerged into sight unarmed, alone, and with a shocked expression.

"Mary, run. Now." you ordered, feeling dizzy as your blood moved too fast for your brain to get much out of it. You were panicking, logic slowly leaving you with animal instincts that wouldn't do you any good.

"Hey, let her go!" Mary ordered, most certainly not running. You wanted to hit her, until she opened her mouth again. "Dean! Dean, help!" so she had help, and it was the bad-ass fearless leader no less. You didn't care for him, but there was no doubt that he was one of the best, if not the best, fighter in the camp.

His bullet emerged before he did, and you thanked his paranoid tendency to carry a weapon everywhere he went. It blew the head off the guy holding a knife to you, and you escaped with only a shallow scratch. You grabbed the blade and moved in front of Mary as Dean came into view, firing again and taking a place next to you.

"How dare you even look at my sister, you son of a bitch?" you growled, running at him, frustration and fury fueling you movements. Dean, seeing that, one, you were pissed, and needed to get that out, and, two, you had pride to regain, simply kept aim in case the other guy tried to make a move. When you had beaten all your anger, and your energy out of the thug, you buried the knife in his throat and stood, as Dean shot the last raider.

"Are you okay, Sis?" Mary asked, running past Dean to wrap her arms around you.

"Yeah. Thanks to you and Dean. How'd you know to come looking for me?"

"I went to bring you dinner in Cas' cabin, and he was shirtless and limping toward the door saying you'd run off. You always run straight when you're upset, so it was easy to follow you."

"Mary, I haven't run off like that in years. How the hell did you remember my tendencies?"

"Cause when you were a teenager I always got ten bucks when I found you." She smiled, and you smiled back, hugging her tightly.

"I love you, kid." you kissed the top of her forehead, and made sure to stand close to her as you walked back to camp.


	12. Chapter 12

When you got back to the cabin, of course being told by Dean that, even if he was a perverted dick, he still was your job to take care of, Cas looked even more pitiful than most people would after being eaten. His eyes were distant, and as they registered your presence, they became sad, like a puppy waiting to be kicked, almost asking for it, as if he found chewing the shoes to be a sin only forgivable by some horrendous punishment. Should you have walked into that expression on anyone else, you would have presumed that they were guilty and willing to repent. With him, though, you were reluctant, even unwilling to accept that he was anything more than a cunning liar. You had witnessed it already, so why believe this facade? You were a fool for believing in him, but you wouldn't be made one once more by buying into his big eyes. Even if they were the perfect shade of blue.

"Here's your meds, Cas." you said, voice hard and cold like an iron pole in winter. He accepted it, not meeting your eye as he swallowed it, and you looking away from him as well.

"Thank you." he replied, his voice sounding choked. You wondered if your duties included staying with him, or if just making sure to give him the drugs that kept him mostly functioning were all that were included with your role as caregiver.

"Please don't go." he begged, grabbing the back of your jacket like a lost child in a supermarket, looking for it's mother. You clenched your jaw, fighting back new tears of stinging betrayal as he asked you to trust him all over again, and you couldn't. Not after what you had walked into after he had told you that you were different.

"Why? Are you going to be lonely? Ask one of the whores to keep you company." you spat, jerking the hem from him and shooting him a glare instead.

"What, it's like getting milk from a cow. It's not the same as the family dog." he answered, and you tried, and failed, to keep your eyebrow from twitching in annoyance.

"So I'm a dog now, huh?" you were an inch from hitting him.

"No! Dammit. I meant that I get something that I want from them, but I actually care what happens to you. There's an emotional connection and I know you feel it. You cried when you thought that I was dying, and someone like you doesn't cry over strangers."

"You're wrong. I felt it. I thought that I could trust you but it was all past tense. I thought that maybe you weren't what all of the rumors about you said, just a has been addicted to pills and sex, but that's all that you are, and you'll never change. You've probably got another bottle that your taking hid under your bed, and we know that missing half a leg doesn't stop you from getting the ladies."

"You can search. I gave you the only bottle I had because I trusted you to take care of me. Because you're someone who I believe can actually know what I'm going through and make the right choices for me. Hell, I obviously made the wrong ones so it can't be much worse." He said, his tone desperate. You bit your lip as a tear slid down your face, your fists closing as you looked back at him with a mixture of sadness and rage.

"You think that you can give me some speech like that and I'm just going to feel special again? Here, have your pills. I don't care enough to keep you from winding up a mouth-foaming puddle on the floor six feet down." you tossed them back to him and walked away, only a few dozen yards, to the cabin that you shared with your sister, who was half-asleep.

"What's wrong?" she asked, her voice half slurred with sleep as you curled into a ball, trying not to scream at the sky. Trying not to scare the little girl beside you, and shatter the unshakable view she had of you.

"Are you happy here, Mary?" you asked, trying without much fruit to make your voice sound as though it were merely inquisitive.

"I suppose. Dean's nice, and most of the other people I've talked to are too, in their own ways. Why?"

"Because I'm leaving, but I want you to stay here." you told her, still looking away as even the mention of being away from her left a clenching in your chest.

"What! No! Why are you leaving? Dean just saved you, you can't think he's that bad!" she protested.

"If I thought he was I wouldn't leave you for him to take care of. This just isn't the kind of life for me, any more than constant battle was the life for you. There's something pure about only running on instinct." you told her, fighting back another sob as your voice broke.

"What happened? I mean, yeah those guys almost got you, but-"

"I don't know how to live like this anymore, Mary!" you yelled, turning to face her, your strength finally running out. "Friends, falling in love, having a kid and watching them grow as you get old with a smile on your face? That's your gig, not mine. I only know how to kill and run now."

"That was your life. Until the miscarriage you were so happy to be having your own little boy, to watch Will teach him how to play catch, and then cry when he went to college with his perfect grades."She argued, standing up as if sensing her role as the one who needed to stand tall.

"That was my life Mary. Key word was. I gave up on all of it, closed off that part of me to keep it from hurting. And then it was all about keeping you safe. Every day and every move was to make sure that you were alright and as happy as you could be, but not you are. You're safe, and these people can make you happier than I ever could."

"Don't leave me. Please, I don't wanna loose my big sister too." She begged, putting her hand on your shoulder. You pushed it off, and grabbed your bag from it's place across the room.

"Mary, the sister you knew is already gone. I love you, kid, but I'm not what's best for you anymore. I don't know if I ever was." you strapped the machete to it's place at your hip, and wiped the tears away.

"Don't go. You are, you just don't wanna be. I know that it hurts, but I had to go through it. I lost people too, but I didn't shell up like a snail. I dealt with it, so don't say that you can't be the sister I love, because you can. You're just afraid!" she shouted, hitting you in the mouth, angry when caring didn't work. Your lip busted, and blood dripped from your chin. You just smiled sadly and placed one last kiss on her head, and walked out. She didn't follow you, which you were thankful for.

"Hey kid, I'll come back every six months or so to let you know I'm alive and well. Don't worry. I've made it out there this long." you said at the door, coat wrapped around you as you walked into the night.

You saw Cas standing outside on his makeshift crutches, looking at you with pain and apology in his crystal eyes, finally cleared of the narcotic's taint. You pushed past him, not looking into them, unable to keep up that angry facade that you had shown before. The anger was really just a reaction to the fear and hurt in your own mind, not so much to his actions. But you wouldn't have to discern the difference when you were out there. It would be a simple case of killing everything that moved,and not questioning who they were or if they would make a good friend, or if loving them was betraying your late husband. No emotions, only blood and death and survival.

But first you needed to talk to Dean, make sure that he got what was happening, and was willing to keep Mary safe. You wouldn't leave her alone unless you knew that she was in good hands. Then again, with the rage that flashed through his eyes when the man so much as looked at her earlier, you were pretty sure that he wouldn't let anything happen to the grown woman you couldn't stop seeing as a baby.

"You know the whole point of a camp is to stay inside it to stay safe, right?" Dean said, as you walked into his open door once more to find him cleaning guns.

"Won't have to worry about it much longer. I'm leaving." you said, and he looked up with shock, standing and looking for signs of jest.

"Okay so some dicks got past the guards, that's no reason to pack up Mary and leave." he said, clearly having a problem with her being gone.

"Not packing anyone. Just me. I just need to know that you can take care of her. I've never trusted her to anyone before, but the way you look at her tells me that I may be able to trust her to you."

"So you're running away? You found something that you can't slash or shoot so you're running away from it? Wow, didn't peg you for a coward." he said, grabbing the bottle of whiskey and pouring two glasses, obviously intending a lengthy conversation to arise from this. You didn't.

"I'm not running away, I'm running towards. All I've done is kill and take care of Mary for so long, and here I don't do either. But out there, in the elbow deep shit, I have a purpose. I'm killing as many of those fuckers as I can and making sure that those left can restart without going through what I did. I don't belong with people, because I stopped being a person years ago, and I'm going to stay with the monsters, like me." this was the most emotional night you'd had since you'd left your home for the cabin. It only moved to prove your point of it all being too much. You longed for the simplicity you had before.

"Stop you're whining. My baby brother is dead, and you know why? Because I listened when he said that he wanted a more comfortable life. I left him to do exactly what your doing now, just me, the road, and as many dead sonsabitches as I could manage, but I regret it every god damned day of my life. Why do you think I do this? Spend my time caring for people I've never met? Because in damn near every one of them I see Sammy, someone looking for normal. Except you. Because in you, I see me, about to make the biggest mistake of my life because you think that it's what's best. Well it ain't. So march into Cas' cabin, tell the bastard to quit being a man whore, and fix it, because if you leave, there ain't no comin back, and I ain't treating your sister special." he was shouting by the end, eyes shining with frustrated fury as he slid you a glass of liquor. It flew right off the table as you stood, stock still and unable to change it, frozen in place by his pinpoint, chilling accuracy.

"He has nothing to do with it." you lied moments later, finally able to make your lips make the motions.

"Like hell it's not. You ran away from him into the forest at the same time as he's with his 'lady friends', and who else here is making you feel so much emotion that you feel the need to flee? You love him, but you don't want to. You had a husband, or a lover, or someone and you feel like loving Cas too isn't okay and you're looking for ways to justify it but I'll be damned if I've ever seen two people more perfect for each other than you two as long as you can both get your shit together. You got him off the pills, and he was willing to die for you. He loves you, he just doesn't know how to deal with it any more than you, and I'm not usually for chick flicks but damn do you two need to be a Lifetime movie."

"Shut up! Just shut up! You didn't loose your wife, your kid, your parents, everything to those monsters. You've never had to deal with all of that guilt hanging off your back." you claimed, ready to hit him.

"Lisa: she was the mother of my son Ben. I wasn't ever there for them enough, especially not when croats came in and ate them both. My mother died when I was four to save my brother from a demon, the same one that killed my father in front of my. And all any of them ever told me was to take care of Sammy, and I didn't. Bobby, Joe, everyone I've ever loved died because of me. Even Cas may as well have been dead until you showed up. So you wanna talk about guilt, then lets talk." he expected a fight now, you could see it in his posture. But you lost all of the fight the moment he mentioned a son.

"Then how do you do it?" you asked softly, sitting down and running your hands through your hair, "How do you live knowing you've let them die? How can you love without thinking it's betrayal?"

"Because I live for them. To make sure that these people are safe. And I love because anyone worthy of that much loyalty will want me to be happy. And I open a new bottle of liquor every day, and I make sure that I shoot everything not human I come across and hope that there's a better future for the next generation." he answered, sliding you the second drink, and taking a swig straight from the bottle.

You downed it, and sat silently, less dramatic tears rolling down your face. Dean started cleaning the guns again.

Outside, Cas sat against the wall, wishing he hadn't screwed up. He looked at the pill bottle in his hands, literally aching to have one, and then he put it in his pocket, and vowed to do better. And thank Dean.


	13. Chapter 13

You woke with a pounding headache in the uncomfortable chair in Dean's cabin, your back, and everything else, pounding with an annoying dull ache. You'd not had a hangover in years, and you remembered one of the reasons why you'd chosen not to drink as your stomach churned like the sea in a hurricane. The room smelled more like a brewery than usual, and there was a bottle of whiskey sitting next to you with a note that said "this one's on the house, get your ass in gear, no slacking – Dean" in short, concise handwriting. You took it, opening it and taking a swig before standing and moving outside, wondering how you were going to tell Mary when the sun hit your eyes, and you threw up on the spot, the high-content liquor tasting even worse the second time around.

"You look good." Cas said, limping over to where you bent over the railing, eyes watering as acid stuck in the back of your throat.

"Shut up. I'm still pissed at you." you spat, and then sighed, "But I need to talk to you later. After Mary." There was no way in hell that he was moving past your sister when it came to priorities, or anything else, as far as you were concerned.

"That's good. I was worried you'd never speak to me again." He said, shoulders sinking as much as they could when crutches were holding them up, as well as the rest of his body.

"And you should be laying down. Your leg will never heal if you keep using it like this."

"Wow. If you're forgiving enough to mother me, Dean needs to get your drunk every time I do something dumb." he laughed, wincing as he moved to go back to his cabin. You cursed, hating the part of your heart that really had forgiven him, even when your mind was saying that that was bull and he needed to be ignored for at least a month. Sadly, you'd learned that instinct usually knew best, at least in your experience, and it's not like you knew what to do in this situation.

So instead you just started walking toward your own cabin, heart wrenching as you heard quite sniffling from within. Suddenly your lip started throbbing where it was split, as if reminding you of how much you'd hurt her, and that she had hardly given you comparable recompense.

"Hey, Mary..." you called within, throat constricting as you walked in to find her laying in your cot, sobbing into your pillow. She looked up, and sadness became rage as she wiped away her tears, and stood with fire in her eyes. She hit you again, a bruise forming on your cheek already. You just stood, eyes begging for forgiveness, but mouth staying closed. She seemed to be frustrated by your lack of reaction, and hit you again, this time hard enough to knock you to the floor.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she demanded, throwing the pillow at you, and standing with her shoulders back in a fighting stance.

"I'm not running away." you answered, looking away from her, unable to meet her gaze.

"What, did you get five minutes out and realize that you needed me? That I was the only reason you haven't gone crazy? That maybe baby sister isn't nothing but a burden to be dropped off at the nearest fire station?"

"Is that what you thought?"

"What else could it be? Not even here six months and when you think someone would take care of me, you head out to live without me. You wouldn't let me come with you, and-"

"You make me human, Mary? Don't you get how much that hurts? I want to be crazy, I want to be able to die without any worries, to have a cause to finally be a martyr for. And I didn't want you to be a part of my glorified suicide, okay? I didn't want to love Cas, I just wanted to go to wherever it was William is." you corrected, wanting to make sure that she knew it wasn't her fault.

"Why? Don't you get that you're all I have left? How much I love you? What more do you want?" She asked, sinking down and falling to your chest, where she started sobbing.

"I didn't know, but I do now. I don't want anything. It may be different here, but that's not bad. It'll be a good thing, I'm sure. I just...I didn't know what to do. You don't need me anymore, Mary."

"You're my big sister. I wrote my SAT essay on how awesome you were. I'll always need you, until the day we both die." she whispered, "So don't you dare leave me, do you understand?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry, Kiddo. I'm staying right here from now on." you promised, holding her closer, wondering why you ever thought leaving this closeness was the better choice. Even with the hangover, lessening as you became buzzed again, this was the best you'd felt in a long time.

Evening was coming forth when you made your way to the cabin where your charge resided. You moved aside the bead curtain to come in, only to hear him talking, along with a woman's voice. Your jaw clenched, but you listened, if nothing else to know exactly what lies he was whispering in her ear.

"I told you that I've moved to a different place in my life. I don't do the guru thing. Try some other guy." He said, and a smile came to your face.

"So some new whore comes in and suddenly your monogamous. She's too fucked up in the head to love you, hell, you're too fucked up to love. Unless you're going back to celibacy, angel boy, me and the girls are all you got."

"I'm sorry for using you before. I don't want to anymore."

"You idiot!" you heard the sound of smacking, and decided that this was the point where you walked in. you grabbed her by the hair, surprising both of them, and dragged her from the cabin, throwing her down the set of three stairs for good measure.

"I suggest not smacking Castiel from now on. In fact, don't even talk to him, unless it's productive. Anyone who messes with him, messes with me." you growled, staring her down. She held fast, her shoulders back like a proud warrior...at least until you made a move forward and she ran off like a scolded puppy.

"Thank you for that, though I could have handled myself." he called from within, his cheek lacerated from her sharp slap. You scowled at it, wondering if it would be worth it to find her late at night and make sure she knew that you were serious.

"It sure sounded like it, Cas." You joked, walking into the room with a painful smile.

"And what happened to you? You look like you got beat up in a back alley." he said, seeing the bruises that your sister ad left, bright blue, and swollen.

"Mary didn't take kindly to the notion of me leaving her. It's not like I didn't deserve it." You explained, hoping he wouldn't question it further.

"As long as it wasn't someone you wanted me to kill later, then I guess it's your choice." Either he read your mind, he was an angel after all, something you'd finally decided to believe because there had to be a hell, and equal and opposites and all, or he'd managed to say exactly what you needed him to.

"So anyway, I came here to talk to you. About why I ran off like that; why I acted like a little kid."

"I was even worse. I was acting like a thirteen year old boy in a brothel. Whatever you came to say, you can say it later, but first I have to tell you... the reason that I gave you those pills, that I saved you from the croats when I've watched plenty of people die for my own sake, is that I've fallen in love with you. But that's scary. I was never meant to find love, other than that of my father and brothers, and now it fills every thought in my head. So I thought that I could bury it in other women, that I could remember why I really kept them close. But...i couldn't do it. I was fully mentally prepared but...to put it bluntly, I couldn't get it up." he admitted, holding out his hand for you to come closer. He wasn't making a move toward you, just an invitation. It was your move, and it meant the difference between checkmate and victory.

"I promised that I wouldn't love anyone again, not after William died. I would only care for Mary, and I would die in some god forsaken forest while the world burned around me and I was okay with that. Until you showed up, and now none of it is how I'd planned. Because I love you, but I still love him, and I don't even know if I know what love is anymore. All I know is that every moment I spend with you makes me happy, and that when I'm away, even when I ran, it hurts." you moved into the range of his arms, and crawled into the supported hammock with him, his heart beating fast, but steady still, and warmth radiating through his sweater.

"He already has you. Or at least a you. In heaven, an entire reality is created for the souls, their bet memories, and sometimes even their dreams. But virtually no one ever actually shares a heaven. The odd soul mate, Andrew and Rachel Jackson, for example. But it's one in trillions that you and William would ever actually meet again, and he defiantly can't see what you're doing now. But if you need time..." he put his hand on your shoulder, and not an inch lower, as if emphasizing that he would move past friends unless you wanted him to, "...I'll wait for you. Until my last breath I'll wait, and never so much as glance at another woman."

you sat for a moment, thinking, rather than feeling. If that were true than you wouldn't see Cas again when you died either. And what would you do when your memories were with William? Would it sadden you, would it ruin them, or would you even make it to heaven at all. And then you remembered to stop thinking. To stop letting your mind rule matters of the heart, because it was honestly none of your brain's business. And instead of getting up, and asking him to wait forever, and making yourself wait forever, you angled your head, took a deep breath, and pressed your lips to his.

They moved with practiced skill, and when his tongue slid across your own lips, you parted them. There was no question anymore, just the endless answer of "oh GOD yes".

You had missed this, this fierce, desperate clash of tongue and teeth as his hand left too-hot, but too-cold trails up and down your hip. The racing of your heart as he moved lips from your mouth to your neck, and the unique way your back arched as your face grew red with anticipation. Your body hurt, and his did too, but all of that was slowly melting away into a pool on want, and desire and need.

"S-stop." he gasped out, biting his lip as if it were the only way to keep it from attacking your own like a rabid dog. "Not like this."

"What?" you were confused. A moment ago he was reaching for your bra strap, and the next he was a chaste little virgin?

"When I get better, I'll court you properly. You won't be just another whore I've sweet talked." he declared, moving up so that you were straddling his legs, rather than his groin.

"I can't tell if I want to kiss you, or kick you. That's so sweet, and yet so teasing."

"Please, just a while longer?"

"I'll wait as long as you need, Castiel." you said, giving him a small kiss on the nose before walking away, smiling anyway. You gave a contented sigh, and then blushed furiously as you saw Dean, leaning against the wall of the cabin across from you, grinning like the cat with the canary. It still didn't ruin your evening.


	14. Chapter 14

With the end of autumn, so too came the harvesting of the wheat and corn that had been growing in the more open parts of the camp. While guard was still posted, it was lessened, and you found yourself simply taking on the extra duty, along with many others, of collecting and processing the food without break from other jobs. Castiel still demanded your free times, his foot nearly healed but not fully. Nights were spent with neither of you able to sleep as he spun tales of civilizations long since passed. He stayed away from the last century or so, and you noticed gaps, but otherwise, he seemed to very much enjoy telling you the intricate stories. They were sometimes humorous, others, the more revealing ones, were the sad ones. The times when he felt he and his brothers, for you didn't doubt that he spoke the truth anymore, had done wrong. Sometimes he told you about various monsters, and how to kill them in case you came across them. He taught you the spell for exorcisms in case someone got possessed by a demon, even gave you a tattoo, one for Mary, too, that he said would keep them from doing so. It hurt, but you supposed to was a small price to pay for control of your body.

It was growing colder outside as well, each morning slightly more biting than the rest, and your breath beginning to gather crystals as it came out into the chilled afternoon. The rush to harvest became more intense when you woke to find frost gathering on the corn, killing the delicate kernels. Sleep became nearly as scarce as when you had been on the outside, and coats were simply piled on as you worked by the light of the moon. You developed a cold, but the runny nose and cough was tossed aside for the sake of efficiency. Castiel yelled at you for not taking care of yourself; you promised to do better, and then didn't change a thing. He'd scowl, but he never really expected you to.

The last stretch, grinding it all to be made into breads, was late enough that the crippled ex-angel was well enough to join, still getting used to using both legs, but able to move his upper body well enough. Three months his recovery had taken, but even so his life was quite the miracle. You would have bled out; any normal human would have. You couldn't help but wonder if it was more than just a natural leaning to quick healing-if he wasn't really fully an ex-angel after all.

"Come on, you're falling behind, cripple." you joked, huffing the cold air into your lungs as you gasped for air. You needed to talk to Dean about finding a way to make this easier. It was killing you, and you were perfectly healthy before.

"You're the one who's breathing her last breathes. I'll catch up after you croak." He said back, huffing as well, though not nearly as badly. Even after disuse, his muscles still rippled under layers and layers of fabric, and he easily crushed the seeds beneath the heavy stone.

"Shut up!" was all you could get out, every witty retort to taxing on your dwindling supply of spare oxygen. Just as you thought you were gonna drop dead, the bell rang for shift change. You rushed across the field to Cas' cabin, where you put a fire in his stone fireplace. You weren't supposed to unless it was an emergency, but you used a match, and coaxed it into a large enough size to be of substance before the owner even got in. he laughed, seeing you huddling like a penguin, wondering if getting any closer would be painful, and developing a cost/benefit analysis for the matter.

He simply came up behind you, sat down, and wrapped his arms around your shoulders. The subject of a relationship had been fiercely avoided by both parties, but these moments were not uncommon. The ones that bordered on, but didn't cross the fence into, the territory of lovers. There were no kisses, no gentle caressing, only the same cuddling that could conceivably be performed by very close friends for warmth. There was always an excuse ready if someone came in and asked. But that didn't mean that your heart didn't jump as his warmth began to seep into yours, combining with the flame to make you almost toasty.

"So every year Dean lets us have a harvest festival. We go an sing and dance, and people play music. Lots of food." He told you, not seeming to have a point. You leaned back into his chest, internally sighing at the comfort found there, and laughed.

"For a messenger of God, you dance around the point a lot." you told him, and he blushed, or at least you thought he did. It could have just been the redness of the cold still in his cheeks.

"And you never beat around the bush?"

"I don't assault individuals near shrubberies, no." you said, a smart ass comment the broke his false stoicism and left him chuckling deep in his throat. It was your favorite of his laughs.

"I was wondering if you would allow me to escort you. It's like prom, only there's no more public education, and no one cares if the punch is spiked."

"Will you wear a tux?"

"Will you wear a gown?"

"We should go raid town to find some. Then be really pretentious about it."

"Somehow I think we'd get shot."

"Fine. You're no fun, but I'll let you take me to prom anyway." you acted as though this were the most generous thing ever to be done by a mere mortal, and rivaling Christ in patience. He just smirked and got up, leaving your back cold. He returned with a blanket, and pulled to to lay down. He threw it over the both of you, and you fell asleep to the crackling of the fire. It burned out sometime during the night, but you stayed warm, simply moving closer together.

The work was finally done, and the "prom" was beginning. As the sun set, normally rationed, though loosely, beer poured fresh from the barrels your group brewed them in. You weren't going to get drunk, but you had a few glasses, and you stood by the giant fire in the center of camp like everyone else as you stuffed your face full of fresh venison, even beef that had come from who knew where. Turkeys, and canned, though well-prepared vegetables adorned countless tables, and everyone had at least a serving of everything. Corn was a centerpiece, being fresh, and the bread came steaming from makeshift ovens.

Being full, not just sated, but FULL, was something that was rare, and you were quite enjoying the sensation. But the night hadn't begun yet, not until Jeb decided to break out the music. He grabbed his flute, and a few other people followed suit by picking up a slew of instruments from a harmonica to a guitar. In spite of the jumbled assortment, you still found yourself tapping your foot as a dance circle was cleared out. You watched as couples and individuals began to spin and dance in the dying, frosted grass, and those forming it stomped feet and clapped hands. You jumped as you felt arms snake around your waist, resting on your hips. As you looked up, familiar scuffle brushed your face, and you smiled to know that it was Castiel, still chewing a piece of juicy turkey.

"So, are you gonna dance with me?" he asked, not yet going full puppy-mode, but obviously prepared to sink to such unsportsmanlike measures.

"I can't dance!" you protested. It was true. At your own wedding, you'd only done those that were traditionally necessary, lest you embarrass yourself more than was needed.

"Everyone here is drunk, and I can. Just follow my lead." he said, and lifting you up, moving you to a bridal style position that forced you to clasp onto his neck to keep from falling. He put you down a moment later to the sound of applause from the crowd around you. The beat suddenly changed from a slow jazz music, to one that sounded suspiciously like a cover of "Into the Night" by Santana. You frowned as he bowed, took your hand, and kissed it.

Then he started moving, and you were amazed. In battle he was graceful, but dancing, he seemed even more so. Every movement was placed perfectly, but with little form, as if he were only feeling each note and responding like a robot to computer code. You didn't want to follow, but by now you had no other choice. You tried to do as he was doing, and the steps were left nearly as awkward as you'd feared. You were beginning to panic when he spun you around and closer to him, pressed abreast.

"Just relax. You're beautiful." he whispered, placing a small kiss to your cheek. You blushed, but when he moved his arm out, you followed. You tried to stop worrying about correct form, or the others watching you.

They all faded out into a blur as your mind decided to focus on the body of your partner instead. You found that you were soon moving to the beat, weaving about as if it were a battle, only no one was going to die. After that, the angel couldn't drag you from the center, even when the samba, and the cat calls, started. He left to get some more food, and came back to find you dancing by yourself, with no one else making a move save foot-stomping to keep rhythm. You looked at him and raised a brow, holding out a hand in invitation to join you.

The night went on, the night growing to early morning as merriment was made. The last song before the sun began to come up was a waltz, something you'd learned to dance with your father for his allocated wedding song. You were spinning in slow circles, staring into crisp blue eyes.

"Did I mention that you're beautiful?" he asked, his voice low in your ear.

"Only a few hundred times." you answered.

"Are you still waiting for me?" his face became serious, looking ready to be sad. You wondered why. Did he think you were a liar?

"I said as long as need be, didn't I?" you told him, smiling comfortingly.

"Good" was his only further response before his lips met yours, but a chaste brush of lips and the promise of more. They were slightly chapped as usual, but they felt like heaven. You hadn't partaken in much drink that night, but your head started to feel light regardless.

"I love you, Castiel." You said, none of the prior hesitation in your voice. His response was a much more passionate embrace as his hands left their positions to move farther down your waist to your hip, with the other threading through your hair as his mouth attacked yours. Tongues became involved, and you momentarily forgot there were other people around until you let loose a small moan and the music stopped, and people started whistling.

You flushed red as wine, and dug your face into Cas' chest as though that would fix it.

"We'll see you later, fellows. Don't come to us, yeah?" he said before grabbing you up once more, licking his lips as he looked at you like a predator.

If you hadn't been so into your own relationship, you would have noticed that Dean and Mary had been dancing the entire time, and were currently making out in the corner of the field. She had gone to him when you went to Cas, needing someone to talk to. You knew that they liked each other, but you would still have given him the "Break a bone per tear" speech to him, and the safe sex talk to her. But you were about to do a lot more than talking, and your baser instincts ignored it in favor of more interesting activities.

A/N- This will soon become very sexy. If you don't appreciate this, skip this chapter, because that's all it's gonna be. Thanks for viewing.


	15. Chapter 15

(A/n) I can't actually write sex scenes. Sorry, but this is what you guys have been waiting on this entire time. Please forgive me! (Also, SO SHORT LIKE UGH TO PEOPLE EVEN READ THIS THO?)

Rough meeting of mouths marked the rush into the cabin as you both moved toward the carpeted floor, unable to make it to the hammock. His tongue gained dominance over yours in both strength and agility, and you allowed him to lift you, his muscles flexing as they worked.

"So gorgeous..." he mumbled laying you down, his lust-laced eyes darting up and down your body with a smile. He licked his lips, breathing heavily, and you dragged them back down to your own. Hands flew into hair, tangling around fingers, and your legs wrapped around his waist. It was a series of senses you had forgotten, and you were remembering how wonderful they were. This left you wanting more, and rubbing against his hips with yours, moving your mouth to suck on his neck.

"Whoa, there. Let's calm down." he said, and you were about to kill him. "Just because I want to ravish you like we're both animals doesn't mean that I am. We're doing this right, remember?" he said, pinning your arms with his, and your legs with his knees.

"Come on, there's time for that later!" you whined, wriggling as best you could with his superior weight on top of you.

"But those laters won't be the first time, love." he told you, beginning a slow trail of lazy kisses along your jaw, undoing each of your front buttons with his teeth so as to leave you trapped.

"Get on with it, dammit!" you begged, whimpering as he reached the slightly dingy fabric of your simple white bra. You were so focused on the lack of touch, eyes closed and straining against your organic binds, you didn't notice when the remaining buttons were undone. You didn't notice any progression until a hot mouth found it's way to your breasts, kissing, nipping and licking like they were made of ice cream.

You mewled under the skilled ministrations, not caring how he acquired the skills in these moments, only that you were the one he was using them on. Your back was arched into him, you were panting, and he hadn't even popped the button on his own slacks. He didn't seem to want to move you to become a participant, either, enjoying the power perhaps of keeping you helpless and desperate beneath him.

"You're so impatient, darling." he growled, nibbling on your ear and leaving you almost crying.

"I haven't had sex in three years and your being a tease! Just please..." you were breathless, and he finally relented, choosing not to torment you further.

"Poor thing." he pulled his hands away and used them to slowly, ever so slowly, begin removing his own clothing. First the jacket, then his shirt, and finally, undoing the button to his jeans. He stood to removed them, and you pounced, jumping and tackling him to the floor.

Once you gained control of the situation, restricting cloth was discarded quickly, leaving you both in nothing but socks. You smiled, hips situated over his, and between his legs which were bent at the knees.. He smirked at you, almost taunting, as if calling a bluff. You put your hands on the bony support available, and lowered down, leaving you both moaning softly. It stung, three years celibate would do that, especially with his impressive girth, but that didn't stop, or even slow your plans.

"Damn..." He muttered, meeting your pace with expert precision, seeming to read your body like a book. He was defiantly fully immersed, so to speak, in your plot.

"Did you underestimate me, love?" you asked, sucking high on his neck, where he would struggle to cover it up.

Rather than answer, he wrapped his fingers in your hair, and dug the other five into your hip, his strength moving you more than your own now. Tightness was already building in your abdomen, and you were panting with each exhale coming out as a little moan. He chuckled before flipping you back, and using his new position as leverage to pound into you, relentless in intensity. You bit your lip to contain the cries of wonder that threatened to escape, but he seemed unphased.

"Keep your eyes open, babe." he growled, each thrust growing more and more erratic. You were both nearly done, and only a few minutes in. you struggled, but managed to keep them at least half-lidded, even as they rolled back in ecstasy, your back arching from the shaggy rug with a shout. He shushed you, and himself, by moving his mouth over yours, sharing shallow breaths as you felt his warmth fill you.

Heavy breathing was all that could be heard as you both fell asleep, too tired to do anything else.

"Are you okay?" He asked, helping you dress the next morning. Your hips hurt. Your head hurt. Your everything hurt, really, but a soft, warm buzz covered it all and left you smiling.

"If I say that I am, will you still carry me?" You joked, wincing as you tried to stand a little to fast.

"Maybe. Maybe I'll just leave you half naked and limping. That'll be a sight."

"And if Dean walks in?"

"Good point. A sight though it may be, it's only one for my eyes. Yes, I'll carry you."

"When you guys are done in there, we need your help for clean up!" Mary called, her voice leaving you flushing a scarlet read. It was one thing to have Dean winking at you in a "atta girl" gesture, or even to have the entire camp knowing exactly what you were doing. But for some reason Mary seemed too innocent to be aware, in spite of the fact that you knew, in abstract terms you refused to ponder further, that she had participated in the very same activities with many of her college boyfriends.

"I'll be out in a bit, Mary!" you called, wiggling until you were put down so as to more quickly don your normal clothing.

"I love you so much, babe." He told you, putting a last kiss on your forehead and a coat on his shoulders before walking out. You followed with a limp and a smile.


End file.
